aaaargh! Who is that? That can't be me.

This morning I was late. This wasn't particularly unusual since I hadn't set my alarm, I never set my alarm because I once read when I was much younger that if you concentrate the night before, on the time you have to wake up your brain wakes you up at that time. It's a load of rubbish so I recycled it, now I tell my mum that I don't need the alarm set because my brain wakes me up naturally on time, really it's an excuse to stay in bed until she comes up with the dogs.
Sometimes I regret ever letting her have dogs, those times often occur in the morning when I wake up to find one of them whacking me repeatedly over the nose with it's tail and by doing this wafting towards me the smell of it's early morning productions.
Of course this put me in a wonderful mood and I got up to eat my chocolatine. The word chocolatine makes it sound really posh, it's really one of those greasy things you get in packets from the supermarket but if I had it my way I wouldn't be eating anything for breakfast. At least it's something even if it is probably made out of cardboard but it has just enough sugar in it to get me out of the comfy spot on the sofa where I make my nest every morning.
I go all the way back upstairs where I try on countless items of clothing. It's not that I don't have nice clothes or that I'm particularly fussy about what I wear it's just that everything looks good in my drawers but as soon as I put it on it doesn't. I have absolutely no shape all and all clothes just hang off me as if someone had tied them to a pole. Most people complain about being fat and their trousers too tight well imagine if even your belt hasn't got a hole small enough for you.
And my hair! I sometimes think it would be easier to just shave it off and wear wigs instead because my hair undergoes twenty minutes of straightening every morning and even then it still looks like I've just been dragged through a hedge backwards.
Of course all of this makes me about attractive to boys as a toilet brush, in fact, thinking about it, it makes me look like one too. I often wonder why I make an effort in the morning then I remember that I do it so as not to scare little children and feel a wave of happiness wash over me that I think of other people like that. Then I look in the mirror again.